How do you feel?

I don't know about you, but I have always had difficulty describing how I feel to my depression doctors. There is always a question like, (how do I feel) that starts the session, I try to give the best answer that I know and then he asks: "What do you mean, could you be more specific?".  That’s where I really fall apart. I was nervous anyway, I become more nervous and every other question becomes harder to answer.

I think that it should have been me asking: "what do you mean?". It's always the same: He asks a question, I give an answer, and he always asks" "what do you mean, could you be more specific?".  

Maybe, it's my answers to the questions. I don't think so because in my mind they mean exactly what I said. There are only so my answers to these kind of questions.

If the question is "how do you feel?", the answer has to be, good, bad, really good or really bad. (If that is not specific enough, just add another "really") How else would I answer? I thought once that I should turn the tables on him. After he says: "what do mean by that, could you be more specific?", I would respond by saying: "what's not to understand?, "those are the only answers available", of all people you should know that". "Did you miss the class on how to know what words mean?" That would have shown him, But it wouldn't be right to make fun of his lack of education and I have no idea what power he has over me.

I have experienced over time many of the feelings associated with MDD; that’s the reason for the blog. But I don't know how to describe what it's like, and how I feel.

Sometimes, he starts the session with a question, Like: "How are you?" I answer the best I can, and if I watch his expression, it's like he has never heard of anyone with that experience.

 With my extensive time searching the internet, and reading what others had to say about what has happened to them, I had supposed that these type of complaints were ordinary, shared by most every Major Depressive Disorder person, and that many, Like me, have difficulty explaining: "How do you feel?". 

In the beginning, I had expected that if I used a certain word, in my mumblings it would be a trigger, for him to think in his mind, "I know that word, I know what that is". He would then explain in depth what was going on and why it was happening. More often than not, he would recognize the trigger word,  and give the correct answer and explain what it meant. I would get excited and say, "that’s exactly right.", Thank you so much for helping me understand that I am not a slacker, lazy or a bad person.

If that were to happen,  it would be a win/win, (win/win is the best kind of) outcome. My win would be: knowing that someone understands, and sees that I am not a slacker, lazy or a bad person.  His win would be: having recognized the trigger word, and more importantly, that he had given the right answer, and that his  Dad was wrong all along, about following in his footsteps and becoming a Dentist.  Wait!  If I counted right, it would have been a win win/win win win.  Oh Oh, it appears that win/win is not the best kind.

It would have been a successful encounter, and I would be filled with hope that these meetings would continue this way, until I knew all the answers.